If you’re like me, you’ve probably been holding your tongue a lot lately. I’ll just say it this way; people have a lot of opinions, and they know how to voice those opinions quite well. I am not just now noticing it, but perhaps I am finally too exhausted to keep up with it. One of my favorite opinonated people to hate, is Matt Walsh. According to his facebook page, he is a “news personality”, whatever that means. If there is a big, or minor, or slightly annoying thing happening in any given week, you can guarantee that Matt Walsh will be writing about it, and more than likely, the friends who post what he wrote about it will slightly agree with him on everything, and slightly disagree with him on everything as well. You know who you are.
I’ve been watching with slight amusement these past few days as Mr. News Personality has come under attack for his quick response to the tragic death of Robin Williams. I didn’t read his blog on this topic, because I have developed a habit of not reading any of his blogs as of late, but I did read the title, which implied that Robin Williams was not a victim of depression, but rather “chose” to end his own life of his own freewill. Maybe the title was satire, but the response by other opinionated folks, have led me to believe that my initial response to his blog titled “Robin Williams didn’t die from a disease, he died from his choice” was in fact an attempt to say that Robin Williams is to blame for this horrible act, and was in fact a horrible person for putting his family and those who loved him through this.
This “sayer of truth” as he describes himself on his Facebook page, has since then written a brilliant piece (I assume it’s brilliant though I didn’t read it) defending his previous blog and attempting to illustrate exactly what he meant and what the difference is between depression and the act of suicide. I have actually heard this same sentiment repeated several times from different sources over the past few days, and tonight, since I cannot sleep and I actually feel like writing, I want to add my own opinions to this discussion. Not just because my name is also Matt, but that I have a blog that has my name in it as well.
You see, much like Matt Walsh, I have never committed suicide. I don’t actually know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. Sure, I have hit my own “rock bottom”, which is to say that I have hit a low point before that is the lowest that I have ever hit, but I am convinced that my three months wallowing in self pity and borderline depression over a decade ago has nothing on the torment that Robin Williams suffered in his last weeks on this earth. Sure, Robin Williams made a choice to commit suicide, but it was a desperate choice.
A guy I know recently cut someone off in traffic, and the victim of this horrendous act, followed him twenty miles, honking at him, flashing his lights, flipping him some obscure finger, and no doubt saying some rather dubious things as he tailgated him into the McDonalds parking lot where I’m sure he was going to offer to buy him a burger and then smash his head with it. He drove off when he realized that he was being recorded and probably needed to take his blood pressure medicine.
This victim of being cutoff in traffic made a choice, and that choice was rage. Rage not only cost him twenty miles in gas, but thirty minutes of his life where he quit acting civilized and wanted nothing more than to make my friend pay for his crime by yelling obscenities and probably throwing down in the parking lot. Rage blinded this once calm motorist, and while his choice was his choice to make, it was made under the influence of anger.
You can see where this is going right? Yes Robin Williams made the choice to commit suicide, but it was a clouded choice. Depression, anxiety, and fear all played a part in clouding Robin Williams’ judgment, and leading him to the point of desperation and isolation. You can write entire essays about how Robin Williams shouldn’t be celebrated, or how he wasn’t the victim of suicide but rather the perpetrator, but depression (pardon the expression) is a bitch.
Some people have come out of it better and stronger, and some haven’t. There are many causes of depression and anxiety, and we could only speculate all the differing causes that might have played into Robin Williams taking his own life. All we know is that he didn’t choose depression, and it may have taken years to get to the place where he was in those final moments desperately trying to silence the pain. It’s a tragedy, and let’s not muddy it up by blaming him.
Suicide happens much more frequently than most of us realize, and it rips families a part, and leaves a lasting legacy wherever it occurs. I wish it didn’t happen, and I wish we could diagnose it or write it off as pure selfishness, but the underlying problem here is not in the act, but in what shape the person is in when they commit such acts. In this society today, people are by and large spiritually bankrupt, and hardly even aware of what it actually takes for them to live a healthy, balanced life. For me it takes a trip to the coast every now and then to silence my frustration and anxiety (I also will accept temporary relief by getting out on my own occasionally and taking pointless walks around a bookstore drinking coffee).
For me, getting to the ocean is a must as it is on these shores (I prefer the Pacific coast to the Atlantic coast, but I’ll take what I can get) that I somehow am transformed into someone who can tolerate the opinions of Matt Walsh a little more (they aren’t all wrong opinions, just annoying that he has so many of them about so many topics and thinks his opinion important enough to share on a daily basis…and also that he calls himself a sayer of truth), and I feel peaceful, and present with my creator. It’s not something I can explain, but it recharges me and makes me whole.
People fill up their days with so much noise and activity, and I often wonder how they find time to recharge, or if they even realize their own malnutrition. Robin Williams seemed like he might have been somewhat of an extrovert, which means I have no idea exactly what he needed to recharge or gain perspective as I’m not wired that way, but I am convinced that the only way to fight depression and ward off the terrible reality of what so many people go through on a daily basis is to pin-point exactly what it is you need most, and to make that a priority from time to time for your sake, and for the sake of those around you.
What happened to Robin Williams is a terrible tragedy, and I know his family must be going through hell right now. Let’s not add to the noise by trying to understand what happened, or analyzing whether or not Robin Williams had any right to be depressed in the first place. You can honor him by making sure your own physical and spiritual health is in check, and maybe rewatch your favorite movie of his (we all have a favorite Robin Williams film do we not?)
If you’re depressed, dealing with anxiety or fear, please seek help, and do not isolate yourself. People do care about you, whether or not you are willing to accept this truth right now or not. Things may seem hopeless, but I have lived long enough to know the ebb and flow that we all encounter in this life and can assure you that things will get better.
Because you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like you.
Also...do I get extra points for using the word dubious?
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